Daughter in Waiting Ministry

I have not wanted to come on this blog or take out my laptop to write about God. I haven’t wanted to praise him nor worship him. I haven’t even wanted to call myself a Christian.

“You could not possibly do such a thing: to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. You could not possibly do that! Won’t the Judge of the whole earth do what is just?”
Genesis 18:25 (CSB)

In Genesis 18, Abraham learned that God had plans to destroy sin-filled cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. In an effort to save his nephew, Lot, from being destroyed in the judgment of Sodom, the city Lot resided in, Abraham pleaded with God. In his plea, he asked if God would spare a city from destruction if only fifty righteous individuals resided in that city. God said yes. Abraham reduced this number of righteous individuals until he got to ten. Still, God told Abraham, yes, he would spare a city if ten righteous people were found there. In the end, God found fewer than ten righteous people in these two cities, fulfilling his promise to destroy them, but saving Lot. In this back and forth conversation with God, Abraham bargained with God. He perceived a situation to be unjust and wondered how a holy and just God could take such action. 

Like most, Abraham was in the crisis of faith, where we ask ourselves, is God really good and just? The crisis that comes when we’ve lost a loved one. When we’ve lost a job and can no longer pay the bills or afford a roof over our heads. When we read the bible and can’t seem to connect or view God in the light he wants us to. When our trust and hope in God is hindered by an unjust, damaging, or cruel event. The crisis that tests our faith and poses this question to us.

They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
Matthew 16:14-19 (NIV)

When we ask ourselves ‘is God really good and just?’, we’re essentially answering the question Jesus posed to his disciples, “Who do you say I am?”

The Daughter in Waiting Ministry started with my desire to document my faith journey in a way that was authentic and genuine and didn’t shy away from harder topics. I wanted to vulnerably share what I was learning about God and his kingdom as I walked with him. I could answer Jesus’ question above in an enthusiastic way:

You are The Messiah!
You are my Shepherd!
You are my friend!
You are my provider!
You are my healer!

You are an incredible Lord and You are good!

You are The Great I Am. 

My fire burned bright and the testimonies were endless. Not because God had answered every prayer nor did everything I wanted him to. God was near to me in a way that felt tangible, special, and significant. God was near to me in a way I truly felt he had left the ninety-nine to seek after the one (Matthew 18:12). I believed God was good and his word, as well as his presence in my life, didn’t give me room to question this answer. 

When the doubts creeped in over the months, I took them to him. When the trials and spiritual battles came, one by one, relentlessly, I took those to him as well. I shared my heart wholeheartedly to God day in and day out. And I knew, no matter what, this would be a daily journey. 

But, this year I’ve found myself in my own crisis of faith, asking, is God really good and just? The abundance of honorable words to describe God are no longer springing forth from my mouth. My heart clenches at the thought of even claiming God is good. I do not see his goodness in the land of the living and I feel I have been saved only to be punished and ridiculed. If I answer Jesus today, by declaring he’s the great I AM, I am standing on his word. I am believing his words. I’m believing his promises. I am believing in every nature and characteristic of his deity. And today, I don’t. Because when I look at my life, the devoutness of this walk, the countless prayers and cries, the suffering, the trials, when I look at everything, I realize God’s promises have not come to pass. His word has returned empty.

I cannot rely on what the crowd says at this phase of the walk. Today, I simply do not like nor trust God. I can’t personally testify of his goodness which makes my answer to this question an unfortunate no. And this, too, I’ve taken to him. 

I do not like the injustice.
I do not like the endless trials and suffering. 
I do not like the justification of the suffering of the saints. 
I do not like the countless prayers prayed into the void. 
I do not like the accusations, shame, and condemnation that come from other believers who feel that God ‘should’ have blessed you by now. You must be doing something wrong.

Another question I wrestle with is this: If salvation is a free gift to all sinners, why exactly, are we to share in Jesus’ suffering (Romans 8:17-18)? Is it a free gift then? Or is it conditional?

Today, my heart is hardened towards God. I used to smile. I used to laugh. I used to have joy. I used to trust him. Ever since I’ve given my life to follow Jesus, it has been excruciatingly painful. I’m still recovering from the painful effects of the unjust car accident I was in early this year. The second one in under three years. And that is one example to name a dozen more. Today, I am tired. Tired of crying out to God. Tired of hoping in God. Tired of trusting God only to be met with disappointment. I am angry and resentful that I followed him. 

The ‘we live in a fallen world’ excuse doesn’t justify the suffering. It doesn’t justify it when we have biblical books like that of Job. The pacifying answers we give to the trials referencing scripture in John 16:33, James 1, or the book of Job no longer strengthen my faith. They don’t bring me peace or hope or joy. In fact, these answers have devalued my faith in God. They paint God as a deity who delights in suffering and testing. The same deity who tells his children not to test him. 

A month ago, a friend, who is an atheist, looked at me and said, “Man, you’ve had the worst luck since last year.” Her observation in these dark times gutted me. I couldn’t hide from how disastrously painful and unjust life had become. How can unbelievers look at God’s children and pity them? In those moments, their disdain for God is justified. Their unbelief towards God is justified. How can it not be? Was I to look at this friend and tell them, “Oh, it’s not luck. Haha. It’s spiritual warfare and well, the enemy hates that I’ve given my life to Christ…”

It sounds ridiculous. It sounds like the countless excuses I’ve heard Christians make to justify the injustices we witness, face, or experience all around us. As long as I can’t personally stand on God’s word, I can’t personally attest to the validity of his word nor the goodness of his deity. I won’t rely on what the crowd says. Although helpful, it doesn’t stand in lieu of my own personal testimony nor revelation. Is God really good and just? My answer is no. 

Sincerely,

Anne

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If you feel a similar way as I do today, here’s a scripture to reflect on:

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!”
Psalm 27:13 (ESV)

I am wresting with God regarding this and I encourage you to do the same.