Daughter in Waiting Ministry

Dear God,

Where are you in this space where the ache in my heart is nudging me to walk away from the faith? Where are you when I wonder if my silence would be louder than my tears? 

I’m tired of trusting you. I’m tired of reading the gospel when I’m wrestling with your word. I’m tired of praising your character when I no longer seem to understand you. You want me to trust you, but do you trust me? You want me to believe in you, but do you believe in me?

How can you say ‘don’t test me’ yet I’m tested constantly?
How can you say ‘I love you’ yet I’m in a seemingly neverending wilderness?
How can you say ‘I’ll never leave you’ and I hear silence? 

I’m grateful for your church, but I don’t want another bible verse or testimony given my way. All it does is intensify this pain. 

I’m tired of your promises that feel empty. You say you are love yet I suffer. You say you are light yet I’m drowning in darkness. You say you provide yet I face rejection after rejection. You say you are just and this year has been anything but. You say you are near yet you feel a million miles away. You demand faith and I lack clarity. 

Where are you God? My friend. Where has my Shepherd gone? Where is the hand that held me all those sleepless nights? Where is the voice that spoke and sang to me? What happened to the joy and fire I once had for you? Why did the fire burn so quickly when I stayed at your feet? Why didn’t you warn me then that this would happen now? You knew I would get back here and that’s the part that hurts. I wish that season had lasted longer than this one. 

I don’t have eloquent words to give you today. I don’t know if I’ll have any tomorrow. But, I’m here. Are you?